The Users Guide To Galahad
by homeric
Summary: Congratulations on your purchase!


**Disclaimer: I'm not sure who owns Galahad - it's not me anyway. The "Users Guide" idea belongs to Theresa Green I think (If I'm wrong then let me know and I'll properly credit the author).**

**THE USER'S GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR**

**GALAHAD**

**Copyright BrightKnights Ltd.**

**Daisy May, Chief Technical Advisor**

Congratulations!

You are now the proud owner of a GALAHAD unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your sexy, tousled haired, slightly bratty knight, please follow the instructions below.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS: **

NAME: GALAHAD

TYPE: Human (male)

MANUFACTURERS: Samartian scouts Ltd.

HEIGHT: 1.70 metres

WEIGHT: 154 lbs

LENGTH: Data available upon request.

APPEARANCE: Brown hair, blue eyes, slight air of sulkiness. Probably too pretty for his own good.

**ACCESSORIES:**

Your GALAHAD unit comes complete with silver and black greaves, a slightly s&m inspired leather tunic and a bow and arrow set (not suitable for use by children under the age of six). Do not be confused by the fact that your unit is wearing a skirt - this is not an oversight by the manufacturer; it's supposed to be dressed like that. Seriously.

**CLEANING:**

Unlike TRISTAN or GAWAIN units, your GALAHAD unit rather enjoys being cleaned, just don't get cross when it spends longer in the bathroom than you.

**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**

Your GALAHAD unit has been designed to be both user friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated, and will respond to instructions in both English and really posh English.

Aside from being ridiculously good looking, rather nifty with a bow and arrow and handy when it comes to home protection, your GALAHAD unit has many other uses:

HORSE TRAINER:

GALAHAD units like nothing better than riding horses (unless you have a slash model in which case we recommend investing in a GAWAIN unit to keep your GALAHAD happy). Give your GALAHAD unit free rein of the local stables and expect to clean up at the next county show

Brightknights Ltd. Take no responsibility for half the local pony club camping out on your doorstep looking wistful and drooling every time your unit walks past.

ARCHERY TUTOR:

Alright, it's not a sport that is going to set the world afire these days, but if you have kids then you know that they are genetically programmed to seek out dangerous objects and throw them at each other. Why not let your GALAHAD unit show them how to channel all that inner anger into an Olympic sport? Your GALAHAD is well trained in the art of archery, and will be quite willing to share his skill with your children.

Please use your unit responsibly; Brightknights Ltd. Take no responsibility for what happened to the late Mr Peters, but offer our sincere condolences to his family.

MODEL:

Pop him in a tuxedo, shove him on a catwalk and there you go - a second income for you and an excuse for your GALAHAD unit to write angst-ridden poetry about how he is being objectified by his evil commander - everyone wins!

Warning: this may result in angry sex, but as yet BrightKnights Ltd. Have not received any complaints from owners of the unit.

**TROUBLESHOOTING:**

**Q: GALAHAD is prettier than me - I'm getting serious self-esteem issues, what should I do?**

A: Swap him for a Bors model

Please be advised to stock up on extra contraception if you do so.

**Q: My GALAHAD refuses to take instructions whenever I ask it to go to the shops or perform basic chores, instead smashing crockery to the floor and sulking. I'm running out of mugs - what should I do?**

A: The GALAHAD unit while not only looking endearingly fresh-faced also has a tendency to act in the manner of a teenaged boy too, unfortunately. You have two choices: either replace all china objects with plastic cups and plates, or invest in a GAWAIN unit. The GAWAIN unit has a built in don't-bother-your-pretty-head-and-do-as-I-say chip that will force your GALAHAD unit to obey his orders without question.

**Q: My GALAHAD keeps talking about returning home. Where is this "home" and how can I prevent my unit from returning there?**

A: Due to glitch in programming, GALAHAD units have an unfortunate, yet rather endearing yearning for the now defunct area that used to be called Sarmatia. Since eastern Europe has undergone many changes merely give him a globe, ask your unit where exactly he wants to return to and stand well back.

It might be wise to remove all breakable objects from the immediate vicinity whilst doing so.

**Q: My GALAHAD keeps looking at my GAWAIN unit with what can only be described as angst filled yearning.**

A: You have been sent a slash model. If that is not what you ordered then please return your unit with a copy of your receipt and remove your GAWAIN's axe if it is a "het" model.

If you are lucky enough to own two slash models then take them to a cabin somewhere remote, preferably with a log fire and a very big bed and inform them that "cuddling makes everything better."

As has been previously stated mixing "het" and "slash" models is not advised, due to the likelihood of damage to one or both units. If you are keen on watching well built men attacking each other then we advise investing in the Woad Attack Playset (now with extra dreadlocks and 100 less Keira Knightly) or the GLADIATOR Combat Pack (complete with Russell Crowe throwing telephone for the first fifty customers).

**Q: My GALAHAD is frilly of shirt and accompanied by a bevy of hysterical young women - why is this?**

A: You have been sent a PRINCE CHARMONT unit by mistake. Feel free to send it back, but give it a try - he might be a bit wet, but just look at his arse in those leather trousers. (In the event that it encounters an ELLA unit, merely tell the doe-eyed bint to sod off - she has to do anything you say.)

**FINAL NOTE:**

We hope that you enjoy your curly haired, soft skinned, worryingly dressed GALAHAD unit, and are sure that given proper care and adherence to the aforementioned instructions it will provide you with many years of faithful service. Please be advised that it is prudent to keep young children away from your purchase when they are wielding scissors; cutting the GALAHAD's hair may lead to angst (more so than usual), sulkiness (even more than usual) and the realisation that the world's population is quite big already - one less child won't make much difference will it?


End file.
